Thoughts on Sexual Assault
By Dan on June 15, 2013 12:45 PM
Possible trigger topic ahead, also long brain dump. Link to FB original post.
Disclaimer and intent: I don't know the accused in the following situation (who has confessed to the behavior so I will proceed without ambiguous language that allows for innocent-until-proven-guilty) nor any of the people whose boundaries he crossed. I was not there and didn't witness anything myself. This is a comment on the reactions of the crowd around those involved after the fact. Some of my reactions are not related-to and extend beyond the situation at hand. This is an emotional topic for me.
There is a thread that just took place on the Apogea group on Facebook about a guy who did a lot of stuff that would have resulted in charges had it occurred back in the real world. "Playful fun" he initially said in his own defense, "I didn't realize that people's boundaries were different than other festivals I'd been to". Bullshit on that.
A few people really ripped into him and I don't fault them for this. He was in the wrong, straight up. It was big of him to show his face on the thread and own up to his behaviors (eventually, after first describing himself as an alcohol lightweight and then ascribing his behavior to being blackout drunk). But the reason I'm posting this is that a significant number of people immediately came to his defense and encouraged people to go easy on him in the spirit of love and community as he tries to make things better, shifting the focus away from the victims and the transgressions. They started defending him against the verbal outrage as if he had become a victim despite him being the only person who crossed boundaries (both written in the rules and spoken 'no's from the women he engaged).
I like the openness and warmth that comes from the Burning Man community, although I've never made it to a burn. I like the spirit of helping people and not judging others. But there need to be limits to what is tolerated and how a reaction to an attack goes.
One voice on the thread said the following:
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"I'm honestly floored by this thread. The ideals of tolerance and acceptance do not extend to those with no respect for the freedom and dignity of others in my book. And intoxication of any kind, of any magnitude is not an excuse. Had any of these crimes been committed against those I love in my presence, it would have ended in blood. If polite conversation and reporting it to the rangers is considered the appropriate response to a man assaulting a woman, I'm not sure I belong in this community."
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Gender-specifics notwithstanding I have to say I agree. If two people are having tensions about the vast majority of things that people have tension about then I support them working it out in any way they want, hippie-love or not. But when there are physical or sexual trangressions then that perpetrator has relinquished the rights to this sort of all-inclusive-love-while-probl
Do I want the perp to seek and get help? OMG yes! They need to get counselling and support and do whatever they need to do in order to not inflict themselves upon people again. But is the perp a victim because people are calling out his/her bullshit when verfiable and non-denied illegal actions took place? Get off your high-Burner-horse and call that shit for what it is. Your immediate concern should be for his/her victims, not just in making sure they have their own counselling and support but also in shielding them from future abuses from the perp. In the span of a day, seven or more people came forward to say that he had groped them or attempted to carry them off over his shoulder caveman-style despite verbal resistance. How many others haven't yet found the thread or told their story? I'm thankful that so far the depth of these specific transgressions is not more.
The local Apo leaders have shut down the thread and have asked women to approach them privately if they have more to report. There has been discussion about having all of the involved parties come together so that they can tell him what he did to them to pursue healing. But for individuals who have experienced physical transgressions it's not always a good idea to be in the presence of their attacker, especially while it's still fresh. Within hours of this thread being started the topic had shifted towards the healing of the perp and "don't attack the perp with words" and "keep it civil" and metaphorically "hug it all out".
Fuck that.
In a situation where physical sexual boundaries are crossed without consent, repeatedly, the only immediate requirement concerning the perp is to make sure they are removed from being able to harm anyone else. The next step is to take care of the victims. This includes NOT putting them in situations where they have to see their attacker unless they specifically choose that for themselves. To ask more of them, to ask them to find warm-fuzzy healing in their hearts towards their transgressor is unconscionable and this request would only come from someone who hasn't experienced sexual trauma at the hand of another.
If you have never personally experienced sexual assault or trauma then you don't understand what it's like to be put into that situation. If you have been the support person for someone who has experienced it then you have a better idea than most but you still don't fully know. I have been in the support role and I try to do my best regarding the needs of the person I'm supporting, but I have to accept that there are just some things I don't fully understand. I will not ask them to go to places I know their attacker will be. I will not ask them to go to places where I know there will be specific triggers. I know that despite how hard I try to understand and support them that their reactions to situations moving forward will be unique to themselves and their situation, sometimes rational, sometimes irrational, but completely valid. They did not ask to be assaulted, they are not the ones who should have to modify their lives for the sake of someone who didn't respect them, their space, their humanity. I cannot know their pain, their every need, but I can try to react accordingly when those needs are voiced.
And so long as the facts themselves are not skewed their attacker is not the victim and should not be treated as one. Once the facts are established then they need to bear the consequences that result from their actions. They may be looked down upon, they will have anger and shock cast their way. They may feel like they are being ganged up on, like an emotional punching bag. __This is not retaliation, this is the consequence of violating other people!!!__ If you don't want the consequences then don't fucking violate people in the first place.
Do I want the attacker to get support? Absolutely. Reform, learn, repent, heal... please! But you DO NOT get to do this at the additional expense of the people you have already hurt. And if you are the perpetrator then you are not the victim.
If you got this far and are still thinking "Geeze Dan, chill out, show some love" then I need to emphatically state that I am. But I'm showing love for a safe community. I'm showing love supporting those who have already been hurt. I'm showing love to the ideal of not having people bear the weight of an assault for the rest of their lives. I also empathically feel the weight of what a perp might feel when they genuinely feel remorse and genuniely want to prevent a reoccurance. But I have no love, no tolerance for subjecting their victims to any more non-love, any more PTSD, any more violation than has already occured.
"When there are physical or sexual trangressions then that perpetrator has disqualified themselves from deserving this sort of all-inclusive-love-while-probl
Love anyone you want. Support those who need support. But please please please don't minimize the experience of those who have suffered trauma and don't sacrifice the needs of legitimate victims in an attempt to help rehabilitate their attacker.